Tag: advice

Honor, Trust, and Selflessness: Supporting Someone with PTSD

Disclaimer: this article discusses and mentions topics such as Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, and sexual assault, which may be triggering for some.  

art print by kikicastel
art print by kiki castel

There’s no ‘one-size-fits-all’ way to love somebody, but there are common morals and responsibilities that we should bring into every friendship and relationship: trust, compassion, respect, and communication. When you love somebody who has been diagnosed with PTSD and gone through considerable trauma in his or her life (warfare, car accidents, assault, etc.), it can require even more patience and selflessness to establish a sense of safety and love between the two of you. More than anything else, it’s a reminder that it’s not all about you: it’s about keeping your partner safe and respecting their boundaries, their feelings, and of course, their trauma.

Another reminder I’d like to point out (and this applies to all types of relationships): is to remember that you are not your partner’s therapist, and they are not yours. Of course it is important (and frankly necessary) in any relationship to have a sense of open communication and unconditional support, but that does not mean you have to disregard your own emotional needs. Love is give and take!

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and with that in mind, I want to talk about why dedicating nurturing patience into these relationships is so important, and, from personal experience, what we can do to make our partners feel safe and protect their vulnerability.

When I refer to a survivor of sexual abuse as ‘vulnerable’, I do not mean it in a sense that they are weak or defenseless. What I do mean is this: PTSD entails a wide variety of devastating symptoms, including flashbacks, disturbing thoughts and feelings, mental distress, suicidal ideation, and increased fight-or-flight response. Survivors of repeated, prolonged abuse may exhibit ‘fawning’ symptoms, or a display of people-pleasing behavior to subside conflict. In a general sense, individuals with PTSD can feel an overwhelming desire to mirror the expectations and desires of other people, and neglect standing up for themselves. With all of that in mind, here are ways you can support your loved one with PTSD or a background in sexual trauma in a way that is encouraging, supportive, and gentle.

Perhaps one of the most important things to remember when approaching a friend or partner with trauma: respect their boundaries. While clear communication and honesty is extremely important in any friendship or relationship, that does not mean your partner is obligated to tell you every detail or answer every question you have about their trauma or incident. If he or she is visibly uncomfortable with the conversation and wishes not to speak about any subject, respect that and switch topics immediately. Additionally, if a conversation about trauma does come up, you should not be the one dictating that conversation – it is up to your friend or partner if they choose to start speaking about it. If your partner or friend struggles with anxiety or depression as a result of their PTSD, do not force or coax them into situations which may heighten these illnesses. Signs that someone may be uncomfortable with a situation or dealing with anxiety include sudden quietness, nervous ticks, or obvious discomfort from their body language. It is always important to establish your boundaries at the beginning of the relationship, and make sure your inner circle is aware of these boundaries as well to avoid uncomfortable situations. 

Arousal does not equal consent. Ask for clear, verbal consent before engaging in any sexual activities with your partner. If he or she expresses discomfort with any activity or expresses a need to stop, it is your responsibility and obligation to respect that. Your partner does not owe you an explanation for this! Their safety is more important than your satisfaction.

Offer emotional support, resources, and positive affirmations. Remind your partner that they are strong, valued, appreciated, and honored. Thank them for the little joys and favors they bring into your life. Text your partner or leave them notes reminding them how beautiful and important they are. It’s a small effort, but to someone who may be struggling with anxiety, depression, or negative body image, these small reminders can mean the world. Emphasize to your partner that there are resources available and countless people who love him/her, if he ever needs additional support.

Before making a decision together, double-check that your partner is okay with this choice and make sure their voice is heard. This ties back to the fawning behaviors and tendencies sometimes exhibited by individuals with PTSD. Your partner may be afraid to tell you how they really feel about a decision or admit that they don’t want to do something, because they are afraid of letting you down or not pleasing you enough. Remind your partner that his or her voice matters, and ensure as much as possible that they can say ‘no’ any time they feel uncomfortable with a decision or frankly just not up to it. 

Be wary of triggers. Like I said before, survivors of trauma may experience flashbacks or uncomfortable feelings when their memories or PTSD is triggered. If your partner has a negative body image, avoid talking about your weight or comparing your body to theirs. If your partner has attempted suicide, don’t make jokes that you’re ‘going to kill yourself’ when something goes wrong (For real, please don’t make jokes about that in general.) If you’re planning on seeing a movie or watching a show that may contain triggering content, make sure you and your partner are aware of this ahead of time, to the best of your ability. 

I hope this article is helpful and informative for all of you! I’m not an expert or a psychologist or anything like that, but like I said, I have been able to improve my relationships and maintain healthy communication with my loved ones through taking these actions. And like I said, most situations are not one-size-fits-all, so please be flexible and adaptable with your loved ones depending on their exact situation!

If you are a survivor of sexual assault or any debilitating trauma, please know that there are resources available for you! The national hotline for sexual assault (US) is 1-800-656-4673. Additionally, if you suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts, please do not go through this alone and reach out to an outlet or person you trust. The national suicide prevention hotline is 1-800-273-8255. Stay safe, everyone, and love each other! 

 

She Wears Many Hats

Professor and independent artist Catherine Graffam discuss teaching, being an artist, and life advice. 

By Abi Brown


Catherine Graffam, a professor at Lasell University is very involved with the art community in and around Boston. She is also certified on Twitter as Girl Fieri.
*Not an original photograph

So what kind of involvement do you take part in on campus? 

I’d say my involvement is relatively minimal outside of like helping specific students who are in my classes. But,  I am becoming a faculty advisor for a club that I think is starting this semester for embroidery, and that’s really exciting so I’m super stoked to be on board with that. 

So is teaching your only job? 

No, it is not.

What else do you?

So I wear many hats… I have my own painting art career, I teach, and then also I am an exhibitions manager at a gallery, I’m an expressions manager at Gallery263 which is an art gallery in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

What do you like most about it, and what do you like most about being a professor here?

For me, having a professor or a teacher to really help me and inspire me and really take me under their wing during college was so instrumental and helpful for me to grow my own career and passion for art. I want to be that for the next generation because that is super important to me. 

What is something you maybe wish your students would get more involved with?

Everything! Extracurriculars, really utilizing your time here, going to the library, go to a club. You don’t appreciate how much resources you have access to while you’re in college until you’re gone. I definitely did not utilize so many resources and I regret it, hardcore. I guilt myself because I’m like why am I not taking advantage of like free yoga and there’s like a free gym and I don’t take advantage of that. That would be the thing. 

Do you have any advice on how a student could get more involved with the arts on and off-campus?

Yes, definitely. So there’s the gallery on campus that often has shows where they ask students to participate with their art and anybody can submit to those. So you can get into an exhibition and that’s a really great way to start. One of my former students is starting an embroidery club because she found passion in that and that was like a great way to continue on campus. Off-campus I would say Boston has so many great museums and art galleries. Just going to them is like super beneficial, even if you’re not going to be an artist, you won’t regret going to art museums. Also, you have free access to them, another great resource in college. Otherwise, I would say you can make art to heal yourself and nurture yourself. You should do the things that you’re passionate about and nurture you creatively and utilize social media, make a website, that’s where I got my start. Start branding yourself. That sounds terrible, so like getting your artwork out now before you’re out of college and you’re like shit, I could have been doing this for the past four years. 

Do you have anything else you want to add or talk about an interesting tidbit?

Advice would be… utilize your class time and make an assignment something for your personal career growth, and put the assignment somewhere else. For instance, at my art gallery, we have an art journal where anyone can submit reviews of any writing topic about art in Boston that they want to write about. So if you ever want to write something for the website for the gallery, like interviewing an artist or something you can literally do that and I will help you with that… Professors are here to help you, that’s why we’re here. We want to see each student succeed to their full potential.